A bloke in a temperance hall is giving a lecture on the evils of the demon drink. To illustrate his point, he’d got two glasses in front of him, each with a big worm in it. He poured water in one glass and whisky in the other. The worm in the glass of water swam happily about with no ill effects. The worm in the whisky, needless to say, died within a minute or so.
“Now,” said the jubilant lecturer to his audience “what does that little experiment tell you?”
“It tells us,”said a voice from the back of the room, “if you’ve got worms you should drink a lot of whisky!”
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad driver but….
I got home yesterday and found the car in the living room.
“How did you get there?” I screamed.
“Simple,” came the reply. “When I got to the kitchen I turned left.”
Sorry if they’ve been on here before. Thanks for looking!
Please star if funny…
thanks Brian G! Nice to get a positive answer to my first question!
Thanks everyone!
Canadian vet to mark V-J Day
Bob Kennedy steps up to the microphone, straightens his tartan cap and glances down at the next bawdy song he’ll sing to entertain guests who have come to his south London home to celebrate his 90th birthday. Marine
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This image is one a collection of vintage art, this excellent quality and durable Canvas Print measures 12 X 18 inches and arrives ready to hang on the wall with all necessary accessories already in place. The Canvas Print is stretched over a sturdy wood frame for maximum stability and tautness. Canvas prints are Gallery Wrapped. This means that the image will go around the edge of the stretched…
This image is one a collection of vintage art, this excellent quality and durable Canvas Print measures 30 X 20 inches and arrives ready to hang on the wall with all necessary accessories already in place. The Canvas Print is stretched over a sturdy wood frame for maximum stability and tautness. Canvas prints are Gallery Wrapped. This means that the image will go around the edge of the stretched…
We’ve our share of Butt of jokes
Hello this is Pakistani Radio Sports News. First we’ll start with the results of tomorrow’s match…. If you are tempted to gloat over this widely circulated text-message, you may do well to reflect if the joke is on Pakistan alone. Funny Jokes SMS Videos Pictures Games ‘n’ Fun Funtoosh com Google Chrome
The Presidential papers during the period from March 4, 1861, to March 4, 1869, are contained in this volume. No other period of American history since the Revolution comprises so many events of surpassing importance. The Administrations of Presidents Lincoln, and Johnson represent two distinct epochs. That of Abraham Lincoln was dedicated to the successful prosecution of the most stupendous war o…
I’m not trying to be funny here. I was watching TV with a friend of mine and they were talking about colonoscopy. I made a comment in a joking way about how poop smells(fecal matter) and then I had a serious thought as to why is it that poop smells, seriously? So now I’m asking what’s the scientific reason that it smells besides the obvious answer of because it’s waste and the body doesn’t need it. Is it because it contains toxins or is it more to it than that?
The distinctive odor of feces is due to bacterial action. Gut flora produce compounds such as indole, skatole, and thiols (sulfur-containing compounds), as well as the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that are responsible for the odor of flatulence.
Consumption of foods with spices may result in the spices being undigested and adding to the odor of feces. The perceived bad odor of feces has been hypothesized to be a deterrent for humans, as consumption or touching it may result in sickness or infection. Of course, human perception of the odor is a subjective matter; an animal that eats feces may be attracted to its odor. Vegetarian diets produce feces with less odor from the standpoint of human perception than diets containing large amounts of meat, in both human beings and animals; for example, the odor of feces produced by carnivores such as lions or tigers tends to be much stronger than that of feces produced by herbivores such as horses or cows
Dave Barry on ‘Twilight’ and Uncomfortable Medical Procedures
DEADLINE DAY CLOCKWATCH
2330: Right, I’m off to bed! Wake me up if the van der Vaart deal goes through! 2310: Swindon manager Danny Wilson reveals after his side’s stunning 3-0 Johnstone’s Paint Trophy victory at Southampton that the club turned down a bid from Championship side Millwall for star striker Charlie Austin. Don”t be scared…. FUNNY PRANKS
someone made a joke about barack obama naming hurricanes and said they would make more money if they sponsored it by mm.. danone! haha funny but i can’t remember who it was…help!
Don’t get it,don’t care.
THE BIG FUNNY – I Wasn’t Mad at Bush for Hurricane Katrina
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JACQUELYN MARGARET DOWLING
Mrs. Jacquelyn Margaret Dowling Callahan, born May 15, 1930. She (Mema) passed away peacefully at her home on Saturday August 21, 2010, surrounded by her loving family. She has gone to heaven to be with the love of her life, William B. Callahan, also known as Cal-Bill-Grandpa. HR Inflatable Pants.wmv
When it was announced that Tom Cruise would play the vampire Lestat in this adaptation of Anne Rice’s bestselling novel, even Rice chimed in with a highly publicized objection. The author wisely and justifiably recanted her negative opinion when she saw Cruise’s excellent performance, which perceptively addresses the pain and chronic melancholy that plagues anyone cursed with immortal bloodlust. B…
I was joking around with my brother and accidentally kinda sorta did a dare and shaved off a patch of hair in the center of my head to the point of baldness. I normally have long hair with a part in the center. What should I do?
oh dear me .Poor you this is my nightmare . you will just have to pull the front of your hair over it and pin at back untill it grows long enough to attatch a weave to it about one inch, but that depends where it is , How about a side parting. ! Get the weave done by a professional afro hair dressers , they will sort it out always doing straight hait weaves.
Whose Line Inside Joke Collection – Baldness and nose jokes
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Who else agrees that FOX NFL Pregame coverage is a joke?
Bradshaw and Long are the only two who have any common sense. The other three seem like they are auditioning for Comedy Central. NFL Network, ESPN, NBC, CBS have better pre. half-time and post game shows. Another thing on FOX, the weather girl is hot. She does the diet ads.
Ok this joke was told to me yesterday and i loved it!
there are three grad students at one of their classes. they are all three from a different school.
so the teacher asks the one from aTm “what is the opposite of depression?”
and he answers “happiness.”
then the teacher asks the one from tennesee “What is the opposite of joy?”
and she says “depression.”
so THEN he asks the student from osu “what is the opposite of woe?”
and he said” sir, i believe that would be ‘giddy up’ “!!!
ha ha ha ha!!
funny
“Do you know the worst place to be in a major earthquake? In a hospital operating room getting a vasectomy. Do you know the best place to be? A Hooters restaurant.”
This guy is going through a nasty divorce. One night he’s sitting at a bar getting plastered. Suddenly he raises his head, looks over his shoulder to his left and yells, “You women are all bitches!” then goes back to staring into his drink.
Five minutes later he raises his head looks over his shoulder to his right and yells, “You women are all whores!”
To that a women stands up and says, “I am not a whore!”
The guy keeps looking at his glass and says, “Then get to the other side.”
One day a couple was sitting around a table discussing all the good and bad times they had together in their marriage. After a while the husband goes to the wife: “I’ll bet you can’t tell me something that is good and bad at the same time.”
So the wife thought to herself for a while and then replied: “Well you’ve got a bigger penis than your brother’s”
“My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami ,” reports Sadie to her friend Sophie. “She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends.”
“How interesting!” Sophie replies. “My daughter’s a whore, too.”
“Okay, class, we’re going to play a game today,” said the third grade teacher. “I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word ‘perhaps’ in it.”
She then goes around the room asking each child.
Mikey says, “Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won’t give us any homework.”
The teacher says, “Very good, Mikey.”
Clair says, “The sky is very dark, perhaps it’s going to rain.”
The teacher says, “Very good, Clair.”
Little Johnny says, “Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna **** on the piano.”
A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh.”
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.
Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient, “I don’t know what came over me. I won’t let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”
The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, “It’s swollen.”
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, “Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?”
The other replies, “Yeah. You’d move fast too if you had three butt holes and they were all on fire!”
Do you know why men are so concerned about the size of their penises? Because they should be. I’ve noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to…. OR they do.
One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.
“Oh, ****!” the woman thought, “what a stupid way to die.”
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman.
Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, “Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!”
The man replied, “Do you suck?”
Stunned at this, the woman said, “No, I don’t suck!”
And with that, the man let go of her.
“****!” the woman thought as she began to plummet again.
Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor.
“Thank God!” she screamed. “I would have died if it weren’t for you!”
The man asked, “Do you ****?”
Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, “No, I don’t ****!”
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there.
Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die.
Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, “I suck! I ****!”
“****,” the man said, and dropped her.
Little Johnny has always had a fascination with sex, and always talked to his parents about it. One evening, the conversation got around to talking about penis’s.
Johnny’s dad tried to explain it to Johnny in a child like way.
“Well Johnny, your penis sleeps for a very long time. Sometimes when it is around women, it wakes up, stretches and grows to about 5 inches long and…”
“Dad”, interrupted Johnny, “That sounds a bit small. Mum said that Bob’s next door is twice as big!!!”
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”
“You miss me that much?” she asks.
“No”, he says. “But it kept me from coming too fast.”
“The porn industry totally shut down. They estimate that this porn shutdown has put over 6,000 actors and actresses out of work, 400 cameramen, and 1 writer.”
One day George Bush was sitting in his oval office when his secretary came in.
The secretary informed Bush that “3 Brazilian soldiers has been killed in an ambush”
Upon hearing this news Bush’s face began to sadden and began to sob and then a burst into tears.
The secretary asked why he was crying.
Bush replied “Damn Bill that is awful news, but please tell me something”
“What is it sir?”
“How many zeros are there in one Brazillion??”
Job Applicant: “I’m looking for a job as a consultant.”
Employer: “I’m sorry, we already have enough consultants.”
Applicant: “That’s ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.”
Employer: “More than we can use already.”
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, “I’m not proud, I can do paperwork, I’ll be a clerk. If you have too many, I’ll start as a janitor.”
Employer: “It just doesn’t seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.”
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, “Work for you? I’d have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!”
Employer: “Well, you didn’t say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.”
Elly, a blonde, is the world’s worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.”
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
“Wonderful!” she replied, “However, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?”
Every day (and night) I get tons of phone calls from telemarketers trying to sell me something. I hate these calls, but I always try to be polite when I say No Thank You. One night, I had a very persistent telemarketer, and no matter how many times and ways I said No thank you, not interested, he would not let up. I finally said, “Listen, I am not financially in a position to buy anything right now. I am broke and on the verge of bankruptcy.”
Without missing a beat, the telemarketer said to me, “I understand what you mean. Why do you think I have this job right now?”